2004-09-19 - 5:51 p.m.

An open letter to Pepto-Bismol:

Dear Pepto,

Your days are numbered my friend. You’ve been found out. That’s right, and don’t try giving me that innocent pink look that has worked on so many others. I know you for what you are, a fraud. You’re nothing more than a chalky-sweet sugar pill, a placebo. What’s that you say? Evidence? You want evidence? Oh bad move comrade, bad move indeed. For look at the person that sits before you. I am all the evidence needed. Do I look like a person that has been relieved of diarrhea, indigestion, nausea and stomach ache? Do I? Oh wait to answer that question, I need to go eject every ounce of nutrient in my body from my mouth and rectum.

Are you mumbling something? I’m too sick for you to help? Is that what you’re saying? Then what good are you? Why do you make such outrageous claims? “Relieves nausea” indeed, I feel like I’ve been on The Teacups for 4 hours at rocket speed.

You say you need more time? Ok Pepto, I’ll make a deal with you . You have until 8:00 tonight to relieve one of the symptoms you so openly profess to combat. But if you fail and my immune system is forced to fight this battle on it’s own, so help me God I will bring down a rain of terror that would rival the fall of Babylon. I will make it my life’s quest to shatter every bottle and crush each pill. You’re existence will be that of a fugitive, hiding in seedy alleyways praying I don’t find you in the rathole you call home. So do your best oh pink chalky on. The clock has started and my patience grows thin.

Keith Gaddis, PCV

Atar, Mauritania

West Africa

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